For as long as I can remember I enjoyed the indulgence of ‘positive’ praise. Perhaps it’s the pride trait of a Leo or perhaps I just enjoy admiration – either way I strive for positive results.
My school test results needed to be A+, around friends I inwardly sought their approval on my latest outfits or fashion choices, and with others I was at my best when I made people feel good.
Infact, the only time that I didn’t glow with delight when receiving a positive result was when 2 lines appeared in teeny white box on a freedom pregnancy test.
Instead of an overwhelming sense of achievement, I experienced an alternative wave of emotions from ‘what the hell’ and ‘this cannot be right’ to ‘I’m supposed to be out for cocktails tonight’ and ‘will my jeans still fit?!’
On the plus side, this explained the nausea I’d be feeling. Until this point I was convinced that I had finally lost my ability to handle excessive weekend alcohol splurges. I was doomed to be punished by the ‘Hangover Gods’ with an eternal hangover, of which I was merely five-days in.
Suddenly the prospect of an eternal hangover wasn’t such a bad thing!
So back to my shock and horror moment. I did what any normal person in denial would do. I rapidly shook the test result with growing force to try and convince the teeny screen to change its mind and display a negative result. FYI – the test didn’t change it’s mind.
Fast-forward a few days, and I soon realised that my reaction to pregnancy was not considered acceptable to society. Whenever I expressed my feelings of shock and denial I was corrected and told;
“You’re just saying that, you must be looking forward to it.”
“You’re used to being selfish, that will have to change!”
“Consider yourself lucky, it’s a blessing”
And my personal favourite; “It’s a good job you’re doing it now, you’ll be too old otherwise!
While this was not the Fairy Tale beginning to motherhood, it was a moment that was sure to redefine the rest of my life as I knew it. Here I was taking the first step in my journey to becoming a Mum… while clinging onto my current life with perfectly manicured nails!
Loadsalove, jess x
P.s Why are you telling me this?
When I found out I was pregnant, despite being in a happy and steady relationship, it was an unplanned pregnancy and my reaction was shock; a child was not on my plans. When I mentioned this I felt as though my feelings being judged and I was seen as inappropriate which made me question myself. I now realise that ‘all feelings are fine’ and that some reactions may not be the norm, but they are perfectly acceptable!